i'm extremely frustrated with adrienne*, but i'm not sure how much of this is real frustration, how much is frustration at my frustration, or how much is just made-up frustration because some secret part of me WANTS a reason to be annoyed at her. i'm afraid of the last one. because i don't know if it's justified anger or just anger that she doesn't do things like i do things. i don't want it to be like that, and i don't understand it. with other people i can tolerate it. i don't hold everyone up to the same standard - but maybe it's just that with other people, more distant people, i don't have an idea that they are, or should be, more.
then i start to wonder if that's a false idea - if it's true that you can only be disillusioned if you had illusions to begin with (was it bono or madeleine who said that? i can't remember). and i wonder if i did, if i'm mad at her because she isn't living up to who i think she is. then it's my fault, maybe. for thinking something incorrectly. i feel like it should be easier to accept, after all, we can still have fun together, and i shouldn't only be around people who think like me.
except i don't. i feel like i'm fake around her, somehow. i don't want it to be that way, and it's not always like that. i don't feel fake in an uncomfortable way, more fake in a guarded way. like i can't be completely myself, because she wouldn't understand it, and yet she should, but i know she wouldn't.
like i feel with my family.
i always feel defensive. and it's not a good defense, because i don't think she'd even listen enough to hear it. i don't know how i know this or if it's right, but it's the feeling i get. because she says things in a way that expects me to agree with her. for all my disagreeableness and stubbornness, i'm completely out of my element in that sort of situation and i don't know how to reply. not until long after it's too late.
no, i'm not going to agree with you on that. no. don't complain to me about that. it's almost hurtful, but mostly frustrating. because she's complaining about ME, although she doesn't know it.
well they're just damned to hell, aren't they?
"such and such was joking about the devil!"
God forbid we joke about the devil. we may offend satan by making fun of him! and we surely don't want that. ironically, with this one, i didn't want to defend the people she was complaining about (i abhor them) but they scored points with me for having the audacity to something so controversial because normally they're painfully safe and conservative. i think it's funny. i kept my mouth shut about various online jokes, lest i be pagan and the devil incarnate, too.
so those things she's said keep bouncing around in my head and tainting my view of her. i'm starting to look at adrienne as one of them - or maybe she's starting to become one. i'm trying not to hold it against her, but it's true. she is very much a part of that culture. she's just like them. it perpetuates the stereotype...
and it bothers me. because i don't like...them. i don't like stereotypes either but this one is true nearly always, and it's true about her. she's becoming just like the rest of them. maybe she was before. like i said, i think it's mostly me who's changed. maybe.
i don't know. but i hate/cling to this intense frustration with her. no, i don't want to do anything with you. it will just be awkward. but i do want to, or else it will be awkward. i don't know.
*name has been changed