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10:35am 08/08/2003
 






What Planet Are You From?


this quiz was made by The Autist Formerly Known As Tim
 
     
1 star|falling from the sky
 
I can't see what you see...   
05:10pm 21/06/2003
  i don't understand me, really.

i'm extremely frustrated with adrienne*, but i'm not sure how much of this is real frustration, how much is frustration at my frustration, or how much is just made-up frustration because some secret part of me WANTS a reason to be annoyed at her. i'm afraid of the last one. because i don't know if it's justified anger or just anger that she doesn't do things like i do things. i don't want it to be like that, and i don't understand it. with other people i can tolerate it. i don't hold everyone up to the same standard - but maybe it's just that with other people, more distant people, i don't have an idea that they are, or should be, more.

then i start to wonder if that's a false idea - if it's true that you can only be disillusioned if you had illusions to begin with (was it bono or madeleine who said that? i can't remember). and i wonder if i did, if i'm mad at her because she isn't living up to who i think she is. then it's my fault, maybe. for thinking something incorrectly. i feel like it should be easier to accept, after all, we can still have fun together, and i shouldn't only be around people who think like me.

right?

except i don't. i feel like i'm fake around her, somehow. i don't want it to be that way, and it's not always like that. i don't feel fake in an uncomfortable way, more fake in a guarded way. like i can't be completely myself, because she wouldn't understand it, and yet she should, but i know she wouldn't.

like i feel with my family.

i always feel defensive. and it's not a good defense, because i don't think she'd even listen enough to hear it. i don't know how i know this or if it's right, but it's the feeling i get. because she says things in a way that expects me to agree with her. for all my disagreeableness and stubbornness, i'm completely out of my element in that sort of situation and i don't know how to reply. not until long after it's too late.

no, i'm not going to agree with you on that. no. don't complain to me about that. it's almost hurtful, but mostly frustrating. because she's complaining about ME, although she doesn't know it.

"so-and-so cusses!"

well they're just damned to hell, aren't they?

"such and such was joking about the devil!"

God forbid we joke about the devil. we may offend satan by making fun of him! and we surely don't want that. ironically, with this one, i didn't want to defend the people she was complaining about (i abhor them) but they scored points with me for having the audacity to something so controversial because normally they're painfully safe and conservative. i think it's funny. i kept my mouth shut about various online jokes, lest i be pagan and the devil incarnate, too.

so those things she's said keep bouncing around in my head and tainting my view of her. i'm starting to look at adrienne as one of them - or maybe she's starting to become one. i'm trying not to hold it against her, but it's true. she is very much a part of that culture. she's just like them. it perpetuates the stereotype...

and it bothers me. because i don't like...them. i don't like stereotypes either but this one is true nearly always, and it's true about her. she's becoming just like the rest of them. maybe she was before. like i said, i think it's mostly me who's changed. maybe.

i don't know. but i hate/cling to this intense frustration with her. no, i don't want to do anything with you. it will just be awkward. but i do want to, or else it will be awkward. i don't know.

___
*name has been changed
 
     
1 star|falling from the sky
 
   
09:37pm 19/06/2003
  it's very confusing to realize that you really don't like your friends very much.

is it right? is it wrong? regardless, it's unavoidable. the truth is, it's really irritating. the truth is i'm mad at you. you shouldn't have done that. and people say 'just talk to her' but i don't feel close enough to talk about it. i don't want to cause a problem, but if i'm this irked already, it's too late, isn't it?

and i don't know that i can blame her for changing - because i changed - and i'm mad that she didn't. or hasn't. or if she ever did, and i thought we were closer than that, it was just agreeing with me in words but not in thought. i trusted it, but i don't know if it was wrong. and if we can't agree on a deeper level, if i don't feel safe around you - how can i feel safe around you with silly things?

it rather jeopardizes things. and everyone would blame it on me. but i just don't TRUST. i can't trust. you don't know me, and i don't want to know you anymore.
 
     
1 star|falling from the sky
 
   
11:46pm 18/06/2003
 
eclipse_the_sun
Magic Number19
JobWriter
PersonalityUnfulfilled Dreamer
TemperamentSweet Natured
SexualIf I Have To
Likely To WinAnother Gold Star
Me - In A WordGenius
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack

 
     
1 star|falling from the sky
 
watch more tv   
09:21pm 03/06/2003
  it's interesting how my* people on lj play the jpm (Jesus-per-minute) game. interesting and also disgusting, because it's not out of any genuine need or truth, it's to hide a lack of it, or avoid it completely. you are so terrifed of being spiritual that you talk about spiritual things so you don't have to be. if we talk about God, He's safe, He's ours, on our terms, confined and controllable and even better than the real thing. if there truly is a God-shaped hole in all of us, we fill it in with mindless prattle about Him.

i can't believe it's not butter. oh wait. yes, i can. because it isn't at all the same, maybe it looks the same on the surface, but if you've ever had butter, you'll know it's not butter, after one taste you'll know it's not.

in a way, it's sad. sad because all they've had is the cheap substitute, but it's at the store, all you have to do is maybe pay a bit more for it, it's there if you look but you're so afraid to try it that you'll never know. after all, margerine is more cost-effective, and probably healthier too.

'only the immature must prove their maturity.' if you have to prove it, something's wrong. if you have to prove it, it's not really there. and if you're writing to prove something, if you are writing to win the attention of other people and perpetuate your sparkly image to them, you are a livejournal whore not worth the keyboard your words are typed on.


____
*this word was supposed to be many. i'm not sure what happened to it - if my computer froze or if it was a freudian slip. either way, this works out almost better, so much that it's nearly frightening. i choose to leave it.
 
     
1 star|falling from the sky
 
   
01:07pm 03/06/2003
  maybe i should be pleased, pleased that the ideas are somehow more right even if the manner in which they are conveyed is not. but i'm not pleased, i'm more disgusted than before. must you carry on so? to wallow in pity for yourself, to proclaim about how worthless and messed up you are in such a way is every bit as bad as carrying on about how wonderful you are. both are an insane preoccupation with self, and while i'd have thought it impossible to be arrogant while insulting oneself, somehow you've managed to do just that. it's all a show anyway, all a game, all an act. it should come as no surprise. fishing for compliments, or at least agreement...allow me to repent so you can all acknowledge my repentance, allow me to repent so i will look contrite and good and remorseful, allow me to repent so i do not have to take responsibility for what i've done.

which, i suppose, wouldn't truly be repenting. it would be showing remorse.

allow me to show remorse, so i don't have to truly repent. allow me to show remorse, so i can have this moment, and go on and never really change, because this moment is gone. it is over and done with, by the time the next one comes it will be far away, and then i'll be remorseful again, and i'll never have to repent, not really.

why carry on so?
 
     
falling from the sky